I stood barely controlling my irritation. The clock was ticking, I was impatiently tapping my feet, glaring at the barista as she fumbled to take my order. She was probably very new to the job and was still getting acquainted with the software.
I had nowhere to go. I could easily wait. But this “cluelessness” in her was triggering me. I couldn’t stand it. Something about it wanted me to snap and run away.
Later while sipping my coffee, I reflected, “was it really about her or was it about me?”
Dave Kashen is a coach whose writings have impacted me more than anyone else’s. He has a newsletter that I eagerly wait for (no, this is NOT a sponsorship post). I really do like it so much that I want you all to explore it.
In his recent newsletter he wrote, “Every person who triggers you is showing you a part of yourself you’ve rejected”.
So what is it that I had rejected within me, that I felt so triggered by a newbie behind a cash counter?
Beneath my strong distaste for cluelessness was my fear of appearing uncertain. I couldn’t accept being less than perfect and so I rejected that in her. This is how projection works.
Now that I realise it, how does it help me?
After all, if I accept being less than perfect, I will become sloppy. Right? WRONG.
What we resist persists. The parts that we judge or deny tend to leak out in unhealthy ways. When we love and accept those parts, we feel more whole and have more choice about how we show up.
In my case, I have recently joined a new organisation. Despite all my experience and past wins, a part of me is petrified of looking uncertain in front of clients.
“Every person who triggers you is showing you a part of yourself you’ve rejected”. – Dave Kashen
Now if I let go of my need to be perfect (who is perfect anyway) and instead commit to joyfully doing my all to serve my clients, even if they are imperfect baby steps, I will choose a different, more powerful way of showing up.
- I will be committed to action rather than result – This translates into understanding the domain, product, trends, clients and their business without being distracted by my anxiety about “will all this help me look good in front of the client?” Instead I will be driven by, how can I use this to solve tough problems? That is a much powerful way to learn and explore.
- I will bring my whole being to my clients – My strengths, curiosity, eagerness to learn, meaningful conversations that establish connections, questions that unearth real problems
- Authenticity – We are all powerful in our natural state. What takes away our power is our inauthenticity. When I am trying be look perfect, I am being inauthentic and thus powerless. But the moment I accept what I know and I don’t know, I can dare to bring an outside perspective, look at situations from a fresh angle, undertake counter intuitive experiments, fail and get up creating massive learnings for the organisation and the client
Accepting imperfection doesn’t mean being lazy and accepting defeat. On the contrary, it means letting go of that which is not in your control (i.e results) and doubling down on what is in your control (i.e. actions). By working hard and in a disciplined manner, I can take advantage of whatever hand I am dealt.
What you admire in others is also about you and not about them.
Just as our aversions expose the parts of ourselves we reject, our admiration exposes parts of ourselves we aren’t willing to be acknowledged for yet.
- The leader you admire for their charisma? Maybe you haven’t fully owned your own ability to inspire.
- The founder you respect for their boldness? Maybe you have boldness inside you waiting to be expressed.
- The mentor whose presence feels magnetic? Maybe you have a powerful presence you haven’t fully stepped into.
When you admire someone, instead of just idolizing that trait, ask “How can I recognize and express this in myself?” Then take action.
Learning from your triggers will make you a better team player and a better leader. You will experience far more ease in your relationships, your team, and your company.
Because the things that once triggered you? They stop holding power over you.
And the things you admire in others? They start emerging in you.
So what are your triggers telling you today?
Additional Resources:
Bridge to leadership 
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